An Accidental Assignation

by The Grrrl

Title: An Accidental Assignation

Author: The Grrrl

Author's email:

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Archive: Ask first.

Fandom: Stargate Atlantis

Pairing: Sheppard/McKay

Summary: John and Rodney, trapped in a room. Because I just love the clichés.

"Come on, Rodney." John stepped closer, peering over Rodney's shoulder as Rodney pulled a crystal from the panel. "Fix it."

"What the hell do you think I'm trying to do?" Rodney held the crystal up to the light and stepped back, bumping against John's chest. "Excuse me? Could you be any more in my way?"

John took a minute step back, staying close enough to feel the heat from Rodney's body, simply because he could.

"Oh no. This crystal is shot, too." Rodney twisted around, holding the crystal up for John's viewing. "See?"

John stared at the curve of Rodney's neck. "Yup."

"Which means we're stuck here. Crap."

"Can't you just--" John waved a hand. "Override something?"

Rodney shot him an exasperated look. "Can't you just click your heels together and chant 'there's no place like home'?"

"Those shoes were really cool, weren't they?" John gazed wistfully down at his black combat boots. "I don't think these work that way."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Thank you, Colonel Dorothy."

"All right, how about we force the door open." John had seen Ronon do it a number of times, and if Ronon could do it, so could he. But this door was unusual for the city, fitting seamlessly into the wall. He ran his fingers over the smooth red surface, looking for some kind of edge. "Gimme a hand here, Rodney."

"Where? There's nothing to grab onto." Rodney slid his hand down the wall, next to John's. "I can barely tell where the door is. We only found it by accident in the first place, thanks to Mr. 'Hey, What Does This Do?'"

John tried to push the door with his palms flat against the wall. "And who insisted we needed to come in and check out the room?" He grunted and pushed and pushed some more but the door refused to move.

"If it had been another one of Janus' labs, we'd be sitting pretty right now." Rodney examined the open panel once again, then shrugged. "I've got nothing."

"Then how about fixing the radios?"

"Fix them? I have no idea why they're not working," Rodney insisted. "I don't have my tablet or a scanner or, or anything." He tapped his earpiece. "Hello, Radek? Control room? This is McKay. Anyone there? Anyone receiving this?" Head cocked to one side, Rodney waited, presumably listening. Then shook his head mournfully. "Still nothing. I think the signal is being blocked. Probably has something to do with hiding the room from scanners."

"So there's not much we can do," John said, "Until someone comes looking for us."

"And how will they find us?"

"Our cars are just outside the door."

"Assuming they, whoever they are, can find the door."

"We did," John pointed out.

Rodney sighed. "Right."

"I guess we're stuck here for the night," John said, trying to sound suitably dismayed at the idea of spending the night with Rodney. He leaned against the wall, surveying the area. A single room, about the size of their quarters, but the walls were smooth and deep red in color. There was a single large cream-colored sofa in the center, with a small table on one side. "What is this place, anyways?"

"Good question." Rodney crossed over to the couch, poking it carefully with a forefinger. "Living quarters?"

"Down here?" John paced along the wall, running his hand over the surface, searching for another panel, a door, anything. "I thought it was all storage areas and work rooms."

"I know." Rodney frowned. "I don't remember seeing anything like this on the schematics."

"Weird. Maybe you're right, and it really is another one of Janus' secret labs."

"To what purpose? To study napping?" Rodney asked, pointing a finger to the sofa. "It doesn't much look like his other lab."

"Maybe he wanted a place where he could get away from it all," John mused. "Have some peace and quiet."

"Now that I can understand."

A section of wall lit up under John's hand, and a door slid open. "Hey, Rodney--"

"Oh, thank god," Rodney said, hurrying to John's side. "Let's get the hell--huh?"

John stared into the adjoining room and frowned. "Okay, so it's not a way out. But at least we have a bathroom. And hey, is that a hot tub?"

"Yes, so we can be nice and clean when we finally get rescued."

John thought about it: Rodney, freshly scrubbed, pale skin all rosy and warm. And wet.

And slippery.

The tub was definitely big enough for two. Maybe he could convince Rodney to let him wash his back, oh yes, a nice slow soapy massage--

"Hello?" Rodney snapped his fingers. "Colonel? You here with me?"

John shook himself out of his daydream. "Just thinking that I could go for a hot bath right about now."

Rodney shot him a look of disbelief. "I'm glad you are feeling so serene over our situation."

"What?" John shrugged. "We're warm, we have plenty of fresh water, and by morning, this place with be swarming with people looking for us."

Rodney shook his head, then strode over to the sofa. "We're trapped. Without any food. And no one knows where we are." He sat heavily, as if weighted down by his despair.

"You ate three helpings of steak at dinner," John said, following Rodney. "I think you'll make it through the night." He leaned against the back of the couch, resting a hand on it.

Then yanked his hand away as a low hum started up.

"What did you do?" Rodney squawked, leaping up again.

"I didn't do anything. I just touched it." John watched in astonishment as the back of the sofa eased down, then rearranged itself, slowly morphing into--into--

A circle. A large, round, circular bed.

The lights dimmed. Soft music began to play.

"What the hell?" Rodney frowned, staring up at the lights, then back at John again. "Don't tell me--"

"A love nest." John said, grinning.

"Oh, god." Rodney slapped a hand over his forehead. "We're trapped inside an ancient hide-away. A trysting place."

"That Janus was a man of hidden depths," John said.

"Oh come on, we don't know that it was Janus. I'd like to think a man that smart had better taste than this." Rodney stepped toward the bed, nudging it with his foot. "That music--are those violins? Not exactly setting the mood. Too...overwrought."

John wrinkled his nose. "Not exactly my style, either."

Rodney sniffed the air suspiciously. "And what is that smell?"

John took a deep breath. The air smelled of something pleasantly floral, yet with a note of spice. "Perfume? To set the mood? It's kind of nice."

Rodney's eyes widened. "Oh my god, what if this really is a lab? For mating experiments? And what if that, that smell is some kind of sex pheromone?"

John raised his eyebrows, intrigued. "Sex pheromone?"

"Yes, yes, to make us, you know." Rodney waved his hands, spots of pink blooming high on his cheeks. "Want to mate."

"Rodney, that's ridiculous." John felt fine, no different when they had entered the room, which meant he most definitely wanted to mate with Rodney. But that wasn't anything new or unusual. He sat on the couch, scratching the back of his neck as he eyed the walls, looking for air vents.

"Don't sit there," Rodney said, voice high and panicked. "You might activate something else."

"Like what? An automated condom dispenser?"

"I don't know. That, or some strange perverted thing, who knows what these ancients are capable of."

"Rodney, right now you're the only strange and perverted thing in this room," John said, trying to keep the admiring tone from his voice. "Mating experiments? Sex pheromones?"

Rodney folded his arms across his chest, face growing obstinate. "If there's one thing I've learned since coming to Atlantis, it's to expect anything."

John shook his head. "Come on, sit down."

Rodney sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, as if expecting it to attack at any moment.

"See, nothing."

Letting out a deep breath, Rodney placed a hand on his chest. "God only knows what chemicals are being absorbed by our lungs."

"It's not like we have much choice." John leaned back on his arms. "We can't hold our breath."

"Maybe I can try?" Rodney looked beseechingly at John.

"Rodney. It's perfume. Or some kind of ancient potpourri."

"Like with the little pine cones?" Rodney asked. "Jeannie used to buy that stuff all the time."

"Exactly." John watched as Rodney took a careful breath, then another, forehead wrinkled with concentration. "How do you feel?"

Rodney hesitated before speaking. "Fine, I suppose. A little lightheaded."

"No overwhelming urge to mate?" John asked.

"No. No. I don't think so. I mean, it's hard to tell, because--because. Maybe, sort of," Rodney looked down at his lap, then rose up from the bed, clearly agitated. "A little?"

John raised his eyebrows. "A little?"

Flinging a hand in John's direction, Rodney blurted, "I don't know. You keep talking about sex."

"I am not," John insisted. "You're the one who--"

"Plus, you made the bed happen." Rodney regarded the furniture warily. "Of course I'm thinking about sex now, because you're in bed, with the music, and the hot tub, and all this talk of bathing. Naked. Naked bathing."

Heartened, John asked, "Really?"

"Yes." Indignant now, Rodney raised his chin and folded his arms across his chest. "I am very sensitive to drugs, you know."

"Rodney," John stood and approached him. "There are no drugs in the air. I feel perfectly normal."

Rodney's eyes narrowed. "Are you sure?"

John nodded.

"No urges to, you know--" Rodney's hands flailed in the air.

"To what?" John asked, feeling obstinate.

"You know perfectly well what."

John watched Rodney's lips twist crookedly in that stupid, stubborn Rodney way. "Kiss you?"

"Yes." Rodney pointed a finger.

"Okay." John leaned in and pressed his lips against Rodney's.

For a second, Rodney held perfectly still and John was afraid he had screwed things up completely, but then Rodney kissed him back, warm, soft lips moving carefully over his, Rodney's nose bumping against his cheek and it was sweeter than John had ever imagined it could be.

"See?" Rodney said weakly, breath tickling John's cheek. "Sex pheromones."

"Nope."John pulled Rodney closer, shoulders broad and solid under his hands.

Rodney melted into the kiss, arms sliding around John's waist. "You sure?"

"Very sure," John said, mouthing the side of Rodney's neck. Rodney shuddered against him, and John was also very sure that it was the most fantastic thing he ever felt.

Rodney slipped a hand under John's shirt, fingers dancing over the small of John's back. "So, the kissing--your own free will?"


The skin at the crook of Rodney's neck was smooth and soft and when John sucked on it, Rodney made a small noise and held him even tighter.

"And you waited this long?" Rodney asked.

A bit dazed, John raised his head and frowned at Rodney. "What?"

"You've been harboring these feelings for me and it took you how long to act on them?"

John shrugged, fingers twisting in the hem of Rodney's shirt. "Just waiting for the right circumstances, I suppose."

Rodney twisted around, gazing at the room. When he turned back to John, he was grinning widely. "This is your idea of the right circumstance?"

John wasn't sure if he should be insulted or not, but Rodney was grinning and clearly delighted, downright irresistible so John grabbed him and kissed him again, not sweet at all this time but Rodney met him full force, kissing him deep and dirty. Rodney pushed closer, hips pressing against John's until John could feel the swell of Rodney's cock and it was just perfect, because they had a room, they were alone, and they had a big round bed and bad music and smelly air and when John pushed against Rodney he found he could shuffle Rodney over to the bed, all the while kissing him again and again.

"Wait, wait," Rodney said as John dragged him down onto the bed. He ran his fingers through John's hair and lifted his head. "What if a rescue team comes bursting in?"

John thought it over. "We tell them it was the sex pheromones."

Rodney's gaze was bright with admiration. "Right."

He pushed John's shirt up and rolled him over, and John worked frantically to get Rodney's shirt up and then yes, belly to belly, chest to chest, all that warm Rodney skin pressing down on him and just the very weight of Rodney felt good and perfect and right. John pushed up with his hips, rubbing his cock on Rodney's thigh.

"Oh god," Rodney murmured. He kissed John roughly, teeth scraping John's chin. "I don't usually--with guys, not my thing. But you, you are, you're totally my, um, thing." He blinked at John, as if puzzled by his inability to find the right words. "I like you?"

John was perfectly happy to be Rodney's thing. "Good," he said, laughing. It came out low and honking with the big Rodney-weight on his chest. "I kind of like you too." He wriggled his hips in a display of just how much he liked Rodney.

He was rewarded by Rodney immediately unfastening his pants, "Oh, crap," John moaned, back arching as Rodney's big warm hand wrapped around his cock.

"Oh, wow," Rodney answered, gaze intense as he stroked John, hand moving slow, way too slow. It was going to drive John insane. He reached to find the edge of the bed to brace himself, but there was no edge, the stupid crazy bed was too big.

"Rodney," John panted, pulling at Rodney's shoulders instead.

"Okay, I got it, we need to--" Rodney pulled away and began unfastening his own pants, pushed-up shirt falling back down over his pale belly. John helped, or at least tried to. When Rodney pushed his hands away he went for Rodney's crotch instead, rubbing his palm over the hard length of Rodney's cock, sliding another hand up under Rodney's shirt find his nipples, tweaking them gently, watching as Rodney's expression went slack with pleasure.

When Rodney at last unfastened his own pants, he slid them past his hips, exposing his cock nicely, his thick brush of brown hair curling all around it and John thought it might be the prettiest thing he had ever seen. But before he could touch Rodney was on him, tugging John's pants down to his thighs and getting John's t-shirt rucked up to his underarms and climbing over him, one hand pressed against John's chest, keeping him flat on the mattress.

Rodney was awfully pushy in bed, John decided. In the best possible way.

"Here, like this," Rodney told him, reaching down to line their cocks up.

John tried to thrust up into Rodney's hand, just so Rodney could say "No no no, wait, not like that, you're just--" and then, "oh, god--" as John reached between them to hold Rodney's cock, rubbing his thumb over the slick head.

Rodney's hips jerked and pushed and John wanted all of it--all of Rodney, everything, so he slipped his hand away and pulled Rodney down, cocks sliding together as Rodney murmured, "yes yes yes oh god yes" in his ear.

It was a little crazy after that, thrusting and rubbing, Rodney's hands getting a fierce grip on John's ass, John burying his face in Rodney's neck, smelling him, tasting him, all the while the sensation building and soaring and they should have been doing this from the very start, from the moment they met, with Rodney in his orange fleece with the quick and excited hands and--

"Jesus, Rodney--" John gasped, and that was it, he was coming, all over Rodney's belly, shaking from the force of it while Rodney kissed him, stealing the moan from his lips, stealing his breath and now it was more than a little crazy now but John was good with that, very very good with it.

When it was done with he fell back, panting, trying desperately to catch his breath and best of all he could watch, lifting Rodney's ducked head so he could see the flushed cheeks and closed eyes and then the grimace as Rodney came, shoving hard as wetness spilled out between them.

With a final groan, Rodney slumped down, forehead thumping against John's chest. John grinned down at him, running his hand over Rodney's head, fingers slipping through the soft, fine hair.

"Hi there, very nice chest," Rodney mumbled.

"Thank you."

"Hmmmm." Rodney nuzzled over to an exposed nipple, then kissed it delicately. "I didn't even get to this part yet."

"We do have all night," John pointed out.

Rodney raised his head and pressed his cheek into the palm of John's hand. His smile was happy and affectionate in a way that made John's chest feel tight, like maybe he couldn't breathe right, which was of course due to Rodney resting on him--yes, that was most certainly it.

"We may need a bath first," Rodney informed him, expression growing earnest.

John nodded. "Great idea." He tugged Rodney closer and kissed him, lingering sweetly on Rodney's lips. "And if we get rescued during it?"

"Bath pheromones," Rodney said firmly. "That Janus, he was a weird kind of guy, you know?"

John laughed and kissed Rodney some more.

It took them quite some time to finally make it to the bath, and then they had to try out the bed again. By morning when they heard knocking on the wall and Lorne calling out their names, Rodney had officially declared it the Best Room Ever in the whole entire city.

And John heartily agreed.

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